There is a story about a house. It was built shortly after the American civil war was over. La Guerre est Finie! The war is over! That is a movie about living in exile after the Spanish Civil War. Alain Renais, who made the film also made a film named Providence. Its about nightmares about family and cutting off ties in old age. The days are suffering. Everybody is suffering. My thoughts about suffering have changed now that it feels more collective and less alienated. If you have a modicum of safety, you put your head down and do the things that the day demands. That is the only way. The days are long and sweaty and I wish not as filled with human crisis as they are, but nobody wants any of the things that they’re dealing with now, so there’s not much to come of wishing for something else. Regardless I will keep learning about deescalation. Keep learning about deescalation in the moment while crisis is happening in the world, and in my particular adrenal system. I am up in the middle of the night trying to drain my body of an excess of something...cortisol? The thing is, that I think that I mask the effects of how stress jabs at me effectively enough that I am not positive that I want more skills for managing it. Will it just accumulate if it seems possible to manage more? The war is not over. It is everywhere, but we’re not calling it war these days. I come home from work at around 7:15ish. This gives me an hour or so before dark to read outside in the back yard. This time is precious. I try not to look at my phone. I eat a popsicle and read The Plague (the book by Camus). I don’t know how I had forgotten about popsicles for so many years. *
