Survey for Fathers Whose Children Were Adults When He Left Their Mom

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Hi! I'm a family therapist who’s studying the relationship between fathers and children who were adults when their dad left their mom. The purpose of this survey is to explore how your relationship with your child(ren) has been affected by your departure. I greatly appreciate your participation in this study and hope that you’ll find the experience of telling your story meaningful.

In order to participate, you must fulfill the following two criteria:

1) You are either a father, step-father, or other father figure who ended the relationship with the mother
2) Your child was 18 years old or older when your relationship ended

Although it’s not required, it would be great if I could receive surveys from all three parties - your child, your child’s mother as well as yourself. If you think the others might be open to participating, email me the contact info and I’ll forward the appropriate survey to him or her. I will not share your answers with the others.

By completing and returning this survey, you indicate your agreement for your answers to be used anonymously in the preparation and promotion of an article, blog or book on the topic that might include direct quotes. Please rest assured that your identity will never be revealed.

If you have more than one child, please answer this survey with just one of your children in mind. If you’d like to complete additional surveys for other children, you’re welcome to do so.

Many thanks!

Vikki Stark, Psychotherapist
info@vikkistark.com
www.vikkistark.com
www.sincedadleftmom.com

The survey is estimated to take around 10-15 minutes to complete. In the final question, "Tell Me More", please add thoughts, details or stories that will better help me understand your experience.

The survey uses the binary him/her designation and assumes that the affair partner, if there was one, is a woman. If this is not the case for you, please clarify your situation in the "Tell Me More" section.

Your first name *

Your email *

Current age *

38 - 49

50 - 59

60 - 69

70+

How many children do you have? *

How long had you been together with your child’s mother before the separation? *

2 - 9 years

10 - 19 years

20 - 29 years

30 - 39 years

40 - 49 years

50+ years

How long has it been since the separation? *

Less than one year

1 - 2 years

3 - 5 years

6 - 9 years

10+ years

How would you describe your relationship with your child before the separation? *

Comfortable

Reserved or distant

Out of touch

How would you describe your relationship with your child now? *

Comfortable

Reserved or distant

Out of touch

What is the level of contact you have with your child now? (Select all that apply) *

We are in touch regularly and have a relaxed relationship

We're in touch from time to time but not really integrated into each other's life

We’re in contact but it’s awkward, reserved or distant

I would like to be in touch or closer but my child is not open to it

I’ve given up trying to connect and said that it’s up to him/her to contact me

My child would like to be in touch or closer but I’m not open to it

I try to text or send gifts but my child doesn’t respond or sends them back

My child only contacts me when he/she wants something

I would like to be in touch with my grandchild(ren) but my child will not permit that

We’re completely out of touch

Other:

Required

The current state of the relationship with your child is due mostly to: *

His or her choice

My choice

Both

What’s affecting your current relationship with your child? (Select all that apply) *

My child is upset that I left his/her mother

My ex is poisoning my child against me as a way of punishing me

My child resents how I’m treating him/her

My child is upset about my affair

My child is angry that I lied to them

My child only cares about the mom and not me

My child complains that I’m all wrapped up in my own life

My child is upset that I have a new woman in my life

My child doesn’t want to hear the truth about his/her mom

My relationship with my child seems largely unaffected by my leaving

None of the above

Other:

Required

If you have a girlfriend/new wife, how does that affect your relationship with your child? (Select all that apply) *

There’s no new woman in my life

The woman in my life was the affair partner when I was living with my child’s mother

My child wants to see me but not if I bring my girlfriend/new wife

I’d like to be able to tell my child about my new partner

I thought my child would be happy for me that I’ve found real happiness

My child has to accept my new relationship or else I can’t have him/her in my life

I would like to be in touch with my child on the condition that he/she accepts my girlfriend/wife

My child likes my partner but hides that from the mom

The new woman in my life is the main reason we’re not close or are estranged

I feel caught between my girlfriend/new wife and my child

My child has not indicated that the new woman in my life is a problem for him/her

None of the above

Other:

Required

What kind of relationship do you have with your ex-wife? *

Friendly

Civil and workable

Distant but we communicate when necessary

Conflictual

Completely estranged

Other:

How has the situation with your child affected you in your personal life? (Select all that apply) *

I’m often depressed as a result

I feel desperate about this situation and would do anything to repair it

I’m angry that my child is alienated from me

I feel hurt that not much care has been given to my feelings

I don’t know what to do about important milestone events, like my child’s wedding, new baby or birthday

I feel like I’ve lost my identity as a father

Each of my children sees things differently and have different loyalties which is damaging their relationship with each other

I’m very sad that I can’t participate in the life/lives of my grandchild(ren)

It has not affected me significantly in my personal life

None of the above

Other:

Required

More thoughts . . . (Select all that apply) *

I’m just very confused and although I want to have my child in my life, I don’t know how I can do that

I feel badly that I can’t share in the events of my child’s life

I was shocked to realize the extent to which my leaving would disrupt my relationship with my child I assumed he/she would understand that it’s not about them

I was and could still be a good dad and shouldn’t be punished for what happened between my ex and me

I never know what to do when my child says not to contact - do I just stop trying?

I feel badly that I can’t share things that are happening in my life with him/her

My child wants me to take full responsibility for what happened but I don’t feel like I’m solely to blame

I feel like all the problems that developed with my child are due to his/her mother

I'm upset that my child has become distant from my side of the family

None of the above

Other:

Required

What do you think, if anything, might improve the situation with your child? *

Would you agree to being interviewed by me by phone or Zoom? (Note: I may not be able to contact everyone) *

Yes

Maybe

Tell me more! (Please add more thoughts, details or stories to better help me understand your experience with your child). *

Submit

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