Survey for Adult Children Whose Dad Left Mom

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Hi! I'm a family therapist who’s studying the relationship between fathers and children who were adults when their dad left their mom. The purpose of this study is to explore how your relationship with both of your parents has been affected by your dad’s departure. I greatly appreciate your participation and hope that you’ll find the experience of telling your story meaningful.

In order to participate, you must fulfill the following two criteria:

1) You’re from a family in which your father, step-father, or other father figure ended the relationship and separated from your mother
2) You were 18 years old or older when your parents separated

Although it’s not required, it would be great if I could receive surveys from all three parties - your father, mother and yourself. If you think one or both of your parents might be open to participating, email me with the contact info and I’ll send the appropriate survey to him or her. I will not share your answers with the others.

By completing and returning this survey, you indicate your agreement for your answers to be used anonymously in the preparation and promotion of an article, blog or book on the topic that may include direct quotes. Please rest assured that your identity will never be revealed.

Many thanks!

Vikki Stark, Psychotherapist
info@vikkistark.com
www.vikkistark.com
www.sincedadleftmom.com

The survey is estimated to take around 10-15 minutes to complete. In the final question, "Tell Me More", please add thoughts, details or stories that will better help me understand your experience.

The survey uses the binary him/her designation and assumes that the affair partner, if there was one, is a woman. If this is not the case for you, please clarify your situation in the "Tell Me More" section.

Your first name *

Your email *

Gender *

Current age *

18 - 29

30 - 39

40+

How many years had your parents been together before the separation? *

2 - 9 years

10 - 19 years

20 - 29 years

30 - 39 years

40 - 49 years

50+ years

How long has it been since the separation? *

Less than one year

1 - 2 years

3 - 5 years

6 - 9 years

10+ years

How would you describe your relationship with your father before he left your mother? *

Comfortable

Reserved or distant

Out of touch

How would you describe your relationship with your father now? *

Comfortable

Reserved or distant

Out of touch

What is the level of contact you have with your father now? (Select all that apply) *

We are in touch regularly and have a relaxed relationship

We're in touch from time to time but not really integrated into each other's life

We’re in contact but it’s awkward, reserved or distant

My father would like to be in touch or closer but I’m not open to it

He has given up trying to connect with me and says that it’s up to me to contact him

I would like to be in touch or closer but he’s not open to it

He tries to text or send gifts but I send them back or don’t respond

I only contact him when I need something

We’re completely out of touch

He would like to be in touch with my child(ren) but I will not permit that

Other:

Required

The current state of the relationship with your dad is due mostly to: *

My choice

His choice

Both

What’s affecting your current relationship with your father? (Select all that apply) *

I'm comfortable in my relationship with my father

I understand that he was unhappy and felt he had to leave

I'm upset that he left my mother

My mother has told me many negative things about him

I don’t like how he is treating me

I’m upset he had an affair

I’m angry that he’s lied to us all

He’s behaving in ways that go against everything he taught me

It’s embarrassing to see him trying to act younger

He believes my mother has poisoned me against him

I feel upset and guilty when he sends me things and I don’t respond

He’s all wrapped up in his own life

His focus is only his girlfriend/wife

He badmouths my mother

None of the above

Other:

Required

If your father has a girlfriend or new wife, how has that affected you? (Select all that apply) *

I’m unaware of a new woman in my father’s life

The woman in my father’s life was the affair partner when he was living with my mother

I want to see my father but not his girlfriend/wife

My father wants to tell me about how wonderful his new partner is

He expects I’ll be glad that he found real happiness

It’s embarrassing that he’s acting like a teenager in love

He would like to be in touch with me on the condition that I accept his girlfriend/wife

My father is spending time with her kids and I don’t like that

I like my father’s girlfriend/wife but that feels like a betrayal to my mom

The new woman in my father's life is the main reason we’re not close or are estranged

The new woman is not a problem for me

Other:

Required

How has your father leaving affected your relationship with your mother? (Select all that apply) *

My mother is all wrapped up in her own grief or anger and I feel like I lost her too

My mother badmouths my father and I don’t like it

I feel loyal to my mother who seems so clearly to be the injured party

My mother shares personal stuff with me and I wish she wouldn’t

I try to console her but she’s inconsolable

I can’t talk to her about my father leaving – it’s just too upsetting

I'm terribly worried about my mother

I’m annoyed that she’s is such a mess and is taking so long to recover

My mother wants me to be her ally

She’s jealous when I spend time with my father

I feel stuck between my father and my mother

All this has brought my mother and me closer

None of the above

Other:

Required

How has all this affected you in your personal life? (Select all that apply) *

I’m often depressed as a result

I don’t trust people in the way I used to

I’m angry that my happy family was stolen away from me

I feel hurt that not much care has been given to my feelings

I’m sad that I’m distant or have lost touch with my family on my father’s side

I’m upset/overwhelmed that my mother, father or both are leaning on me too much

What happened between my parents is making me insecure about my own current or future relationship

My sibling(s) see things differently and have different loyalties and that’s damaging our relationship

I am confused about how to talk about my father with my child(ren)

I’m sad that my child(ren) are missing out on a relationship with their grandfather

This hasn't affected my personal life much

My father leaving has helped me grow as a person

None of the above

Other:

Required

More thoughts . . . (Select all that apply) *

I’m just very confused

Although I want to have my father in my life, I don’t know how I can do that

I would like to figure out how to get back a normal relationship with my father

Before all this happened, he was a good father to me

I’m not ready to deal with my father

I sometimes feel badly that I can’t sharing things that are happening in my life with him

I worry that if he got sick or died I’d feel so guilty

I’ve tried to reach out to him but his response was tepid and so I didn’t follow up

In a perfect world, I could get past my parents’ divorce and have a good relationship with both of them

I would be able to reconcile with him if he were to wholeheartedly show remorse and acknowledge how his actions hurt us all

None of the above

Other:

Required

What do you think, if anything, might improve the situation? *

I hope to be interviewing some of the participants by Zoom. Would you be willing to do an interview with me? *

Yes

Maybe

Tell me more! (Please add more thoughts, details or stories to better help me understand your experience). *

Submit

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